Hey, Mia here as requested.
I took a bite from my bread and turned to nudge the man behind me “Sensei, sensei. Wake up, sensei!” I bellowed, very close to his ear.
I think 'from my bread' should be replaced with 'out of my bread'. Also, you say you bellowed at your old sensei... would you wake up an old man like that? Really? I would suggest something like: I whispered, or something like that.
The old man [s]spit [/s] spat the water out of his mouth and rose into a sitting position.
“What? May I repeat! What?! Is so darn begotten important that you have to wake me up?”
Remove the 'May I repeat', it confused me when I read it. Just leave the sentence as:
"What? What is so darn begotten important that you have to wake me up?"
Also, I would replace 'have' with 'had' because he's already awake.
Those are all the nitpicks I could find since the others were pointed out above.
Descriptions
To be honest, your descriptions are a bit repetitive and boring. You say: 'I did this, I ate that, I took those," etc, and it doesn't bring any life into your writing. Try show what's going on through actions, dialogue, emotions, etc. By doing this, the reader is actually able to picture what's happening, and really get into the story, not just read it.
Example of telling:
Becky and Tiff got ready for the party together.
Example of showing:
Tiff was brushing her long black hair carefully, as her best friend Becky burst out of the bathroom to her right.
"I'm so glad we both these matching dresses, we'll look perfect at the party!" Becky flaunted, gazing at the red dress she had on which was identical to the one Tiff had on.
You see the difference? The second one is much more interesting and I also gave extra information.
Characters
The MC seems stubborn, and obviously doesn't respect his elders, also his sensei likes his rest... that's what I got about the characters. Even if this is such a short piece, try bring out their personalities that little bit more, you already have the basis of it ready.
Overall
Can't say much about the plot and stuff because this piece is so short, I enjoyed it so far. Work on the things I pointed out above, corrected what I told you to, and the entire story will be much better. This prologue interested me, but I thing it might do with being a tiny bit more exciting to capture the reader's attention.
Keep up the great work!
PM me with any questions or if you need any other reviews.
xxMiaxx
Points: 792
Reviews: 89
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